Listening to Understand
Cultivating Positive Relationships 005: with Chris Sabourin – Executive Director, Children’s Grief Center of the Great Lakes Bay Region.
I enjoy listening to people share their stories. Adventures, successes, or challenges, I am amazed at the strength of the human spirit. I also appreciate the perspective presented, always gaining a new understanding or way of thinking.
Listening is an important part of building and maintaining positive relationships. According to poet Alice Duer Miller, “Listening means taking a vigorous, human interest in what is being told us. You can listen like a blank wall or like a splendid auditorium where every sound comes back fuller and richer." (Nordquist, 2019) Listening informs the speaker that their words have value, and “to know that someone will just listen, understand and empathize, can be very calming, reassuring and even healing.” (Birla, 2019)
I was a teacher for twenty-six years encountering children with several needs. One child had several outbursts exhibiting high levels of frustration with people. Coming in after lunch, this child shouted several obscenities about other staff, so he and I went to the hall.
“Tell me about lunch,” I said.
Yelling, the child described everything wrong about the lunch supervisors, the voice echoing down the hall. My response? Positive body language and a real interest in what was being said. The child talked for five minutes straight, then suddenly stopped.
I said, “Tell me more.”
The response from the ten-year-old? In a very loud voice, “You are the first teacher to ever listen to me!”
That was the turning point we needed for a successful year. Listening was the best tool I had in my toolbox as a teacher, and it serves me well today.
At the Children’s Grief Center, we use reflective listening during our peer support groups. Volunteer group facilitators are trained in this technique as it shows children that the volunteers care and are interested in them and their story. Everyone can reflectively listen.
Here are some tips to keep in mind:
Have patience.
Ask open ended questions and listen without judging, interpreting, or advising.
When it is your turn to speak, repeat back what you have heard so the listener knows you are engaged. For example, if someone is telling you about riding a roller coaster at a theme park, you might say, “Racing down the track at that speed must have been quite an experience!”
Keep verbiage easy to understand.
If you do not know an answer to a question, it is okay to say, “I don’t know,” and, if you are in the appropriate position, follow up with, “…but I will tell you when I do know.”
Allow the person to talk about their experience without interruption or interjecting your own experiences.
For some conversations, there will be negativity. Do not try to change, fix, or take these feelings away. Encourage expression of these feelings.
Listening is a powerful tool when cultivating positive relationships. When someone listens to you, right when you need it, the comfort is soothing and healing. Next time you talk with someone, keep this in mind. I’m certain you’ll find the experience fulfilling.
Should you, or someone you know, like to volunteer at the Children’s Grief Center, please email admin@childrensgriefglbr.org or call 989-495-9335.
Resources
Nordquist, Richard. January 6, 2019. The Definition of Listening and How to Do It Well. ThoughtCo. https://www.thoughtco.com/listening-communication-term-1691247
Birla, Neerja. February 4, 2019. Words Matter: A Time to Talk and a Time to Listen. Thrive Global. https://stories.thriveglobal.in/words-matter-a-time-to-talk-and-a-time-to-listen//
Do you have a Midland County story you would like to tell that aligns with our vision?